The “bad mother” syndrome. How do you get rid of guilt?
Even in peacetime, mothers often feel guilty about their children because, for example, they don’t have enough time for their kids. During the war, this feeling only intensified. Everything that a mother used to create, plan and do for her child before has become impossible now. Bad mother syndrome: how to overcome guilt and feel like a “good mother”? Let’s look at this together with Iryna Basista, a psychologist at the Masha Foundation’s Unbreakable Mom project.
Iryna Basista
The “bad mother” syndrome is pain and sadness because it seems that you cannot give your child what they need and in sufficient quantities. Self-blame eventually leads to exhaustion, despair, and depression.
“Nowadays, more and more women are asking for help with the question of ‘how to be a good enough mother’ and cope with the painful feeling of guilt,” says Iryna Basista: “I’m not coping well with my parental responsibilities,” “the best I can do is feed my child,” “I don’t spend enough time with my daughter,” “I don’t have the energy to provide the kind of upbringing I dreamed of,” “I’m apathetic or I fight with my children,” “I feel like I’m losing my teenager.”… But we are all learning to be mothers in previously unknown conditions. And this already shows that you are a good enough mom!”
Iryna Basista
Bad mother syndrome: how to deal with guilt?
- The first thing a mother needs to think about at this point is: who is really to blame for this? It is not my mother, but Russia and the Russian troops who invaded our land and destroyed our peaceful life.
- Our brains have only one main task – to survive, so everything you do now is aimed at survival and adaptation to new realities. If you survive, your children will survive. That’s why the psyche does everything it can to overcome stress and continue living. Some people do better, others need more time. We are all different, so we go through and live the war experience in different ways.
- I know that it is easier to notice your shortcomings than to praise yourself. So I suggest making a list of what you are good at.
For example,
- Before the war, I didn’t let my child watch cartoons, but now I can’t cope without them. But I chose educational cartoons and limited the time of viewing.
- I don’t spend much time with my child, but I found a wonderful nanny, a kindergarten, and we are together all weekend.
- I can’t cope with my teenager, but I go to a psychologist, look for specialists and watch parenting videos.
4. Think about where you see a growth point for you as a mom, and write down one or two. Write opposite them what you can improve or do to improve. And take at least one action on the way to this growth.
5. Last home experiment: write a reminder in your phone or hang a sticker on your mirror with the following text: “I’m a good enough mom, I’m the best mom for my kids; I can do it”! And read every day, and in a week try to look inside yourself and feel how your state has changed.
Be a good enough mom for yourself!
Masha Foundation Bad Mother Syndrome
Emotional stabilization is the main goal of the “Unbreakable Mom” project by the Masha Foundation. This is a program for women and children affected by war, specially designed by experts in psychology and post-traumatic syndromes. In the offline camp, where the participants stay for three weeks, psychologists work with them, and then they receive support online.
You can support the project here: https://dobro.ua/project/nezlamna_mama/
Photo: press service, pixabay
